Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?

No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.

Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

A dating app for angry people- Grumble

I’m so single…..

When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*