ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
A dad and his duck
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
‘go with the flow’ i tell myself as i tumble down the stairs
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.
When the blood pressure machine comes out for one person the whole family has to get involved
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.