@sofarrsogud

ME: I really love motorsport.

DATE: Do you like F1?

ME: I like all the function keys.

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@thatUPSdude

Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.

Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.

@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

@simoncholland

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

@ShesARealGenius

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

@scott_towel

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@ShaeAaron

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.