@sofarrsogud
@thatUPSdude
Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.
Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.
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@thatUPSdude
@Kyle_Lippert
There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
@simoncholland
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
@SaraESpivey
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
@ShesARealGenius
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
@ArfMeasures
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
@scott_towel
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
@jenlaw_11
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
@ShaeAaron
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.