ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
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Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Plant care tips
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.