Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Good morning.

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.