me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
You Might Also Like
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.