Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Me: You guys wanna play house?

Them: Sure

Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

I’m awake but I object,

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words