me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
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Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.