Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.