Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild