Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Hold on I just need to take of my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.