Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
my dad has had enough
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
it was love at first sight
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.