Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
marvel comics have peaked
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.