Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys