Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

Always a housemaid, never a house.

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.