Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
2 years later
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
