Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.