Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
I just stopped by to water my horse.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
dutch is not a serious language
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
the #horror is real!
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier