Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
If only.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me