ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.