ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Attacked by a mop.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden