ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
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doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
oh you wanna fight?!
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020