Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

selena gomez

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

My horoscope said I should kiss you today

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”

Like imagine if donuts could run.

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

perfect

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments