Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

that colleague who touches your screen

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

you stereotypes are all alike