Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth:

God:

Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*

God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

it be like that

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …