Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Smallpox sounds so adorable

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”

coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole

detective: and that’s what killed him?

coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.