me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My fantasy football season is going great
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
“i am a sweet baby”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
The only equipped I am is ill.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit