Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:

Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.

Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.

Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking

[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner

Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!

Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.