Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
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the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Just grow your own
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.