Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?