me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink