me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.