Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
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i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Always this one for me forever
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait