Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
me after i passed that state trooper
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
