Me: I roll to attack.
Him: That’s not a thing in fantasy football.
Me: Oh. Well, then I cast fireball.
Him: Again, that’s not how this game works. Just pick some players for your team.
Me: Can I pick our quest, too? I hear Minnesota is being attacked by Vikings.
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why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle