Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
water it, i dare you
