Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

me: let’s change your diaper

2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

Pretty certain I can more drunk

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

her: did you know Weezer covered Africa

me: [impressed] with what