Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.

Her:

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others

me: thats not me

Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you

me: nah thats not me

ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Is Mercury still in the microwave?

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Adultry does not sound fun at all

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.