Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

2022 be like

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.