Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

#gardening

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

Jesus Christ lmao

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

just make the entire table out of coaster

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.