Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.