Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I know this now 😂
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”