Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
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For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol