Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Sunday

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:

3. Oversized sharks

2. Rooms with large spiders in them

1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

[Me on Shark Tank]

*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*

I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

he was correct

Reasons people get divorced:

-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Scream sneezers need love too.

Weirdos gonna weird.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.