Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

[hospital]

Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!

Nurse: you have a great attitude!

Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )

Nurse: aw : )

[funeral]

My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

So the ex texted me

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them