Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
goldfish mafia
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.