Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
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i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.