Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Wanna wake your teens up early?

Cook bacon

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up