Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Childbirth is so beautiful

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—