Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Math at Halloween.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*