Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?