Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
This pepper has seen some shit
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM