Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

When ur friends with white people

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

People buying plungers never look happy.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth

TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos