Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

me after eating Cheetos

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?

Me: No, I-

Server: Cauliflower soda?

Me: I just wanted to-

Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!