Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it was a valiant fight

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Brought flowers home to wife.

Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”

Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

I’m never leaving this app.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

Happy Taco Tuesday