me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Awesome parenting 😂
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.