Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

[marriage counseling]

We just don’t see eye to eye

“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”

YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.