Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.