Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!