Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
You Might Also Like
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
This is the one
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*looks at you in batman voice*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Pizza is an emotion right?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Every work meeting this week
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.