Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
You Might Also Like
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
You watch one pimple popping video, and suddenly the algorithm thinks you have a new hobby.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Seems kinda suspicious
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.