Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

CONGRATULATIONS

It has been

2̶4̶ 0 days

since you last stepped in cat puke.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

If you breakdance you buy dance.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.