ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*files a restraining order against reality*
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.