ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Sorry not sorry.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Beware…..
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.