ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
🤣😂
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”