Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
kitchen magnet
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.