Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
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what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here