Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW