Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.

I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.

Her: OMG I love The Rock.

Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

Thinking about a snail with a limp

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”