Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?

Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Quadruple digit IQ

Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*