Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.

One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.

Sachets away.

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

The news

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend