Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Coats body in coffee grains

*Waits for osmosis to occur

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

20’s: You can eat whatever you want.

30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.

40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”