Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

*Creating a new social media app*

“It’s good but will it divide people? If not then what’s the point.”

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Ugh

colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”

“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”