Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.