@CountGripsnatch

Me: I should stop drinking

Me: Why?

Me: I dunno

Me: You’re awesome when you drink

Me: Really?

Me: Yeah

Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright

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@EricaTheThor

Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.

@man_spach

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

@_Tempo11

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@Cryptic1iam

People say, “All the good ones are taken.”
Which is absolutely true.
I’m single.

@drsammytweets

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

@MUMSIEesq

4YO: “So Santa comes down the chimney, into our house, while we’re all sleeping?”

ME: “Yup.”

4YO: “And we’re all just okay with that?”

@JohnLyonTweets

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

@kelownagoose

Fun game:

Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says…

“Wow…Are you sure that was for me?”

And wait.