Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Me: I should stop drinking
Me: I dunno
Me: You’re awesome when you drink
Me: Thanks, me. You’re alright
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There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport