so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
You Might Also Like
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
they split up moments later
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything