Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak