Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
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Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”