i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”